Sean P. Teis

 I'd been married 25 years when my marriage began to disintegrate.  I sought counseling, which helped me to "keep things together," but it takes two people working toward a common goal of staying together for a marriage to work.  Eventually, my husband admitted to me that he was with another woman (15 years younger than I) and he moved out of our home.

My oldest son was on  his own by then, but my daughter, 20 and still single at the time, and my youngest son, then 16, were still at home.   We didn't quite know what to do.  For so long we had been a "traditional, nuclear family," whose routines revolved around ordinary rituals of getting up to go to work or school and then coming home to gather as a family and catch up on the day's events. 

The house seemed so strange and empty.  Although my ex-husband was a workaholic and was seldom home, there had always been that knowledge that he *would* be home and now that was gone. 

For the longest time, we just kind of floundered, trying to keep on with life as usual, but it wasn't working very well.  Finally, it dawned on me that the three of us were "still a family."  We were just a different sort of family.  I told my kids we had to stop grabbing take-out on the way home and had to start having family dinners again.  Although we were all very busy and the kids had their own circles of friends, we agreed that at least one night a week, we would sit down together at the table and have a home-cooked meal, like we used to when their dad was coming home for dinner.  This began our journey toward reshaping our lives.

I made one other simple change that helped me to heal and think of myself in a different way.  I painted my bedroom a color my husband would have never agreed to--purple!  I re-arranged the furniture and bought a new bedspread.  The room looked completely different, even though I was still sleeping in the same room where I'd slept for so long with my husband.    I'd also read an article that suggested that single people who are left alone (either through divorce or the death of a spouse) should move to the middle of the bed to sleep. This also helps to alleviate feelings of "aloneness."

After my daughter got married, I gave my youngest son (in college by then) the master bedroom and I moved into her room.  This was even better. 

When a spouse first leaves, you're left with so many fears and so many memories.  You can question all you want and wonder what happened or even blame yourself or blame him or blame the other woman.  This does nothing to help you move on with how life is *now.*   The first step to recovery is acknowledging where you are and making a plan for how you can keep going.  You can't always move out of your house and leave your painful memories behind, but you can reshape your life into something even better. 

I've shared these hints with women who have become widows and they have worked just as well in that circumstance. 

So take my advice and buy some paint.  Get back in the kitchen and fix a nutritious meal for your kids and enjoy a family meal together.  Move to the head of the table where your husband used to sit and take the leadership of your family.  Your kids, no matter, how old, need for you to do this.

Holly B. -BIO